Sunday, January 26, 2014

Your Captain: The Mentally Ill

State of day. I want to thank Nathan Bransford for coming across subjects like writers and depression and that he shared the info that The Rejectionist is making an anticipated serial about writers and mental illness that I enjoyed thus far, I also want t thank Michelle D. Argyle for her open attitude towards her mental problems on her blog, and a big thank you for Natalie Whipple because it was  her honesty about her struggles with anxiety that helped me recognize my own troubles back in 2012. :)

Now OCD could mean

I wish, I don’t even like coffee.


Aw! how cute, I do love cats but no this ain't it.

anyway, OCD also in recent years came to mean;

Haha, although I understand this one, trust me I do, it is still not my problem.

Unfortunately my problem is the old classic one, 

I am

And by the way it's very different from how the movies try to  simplify it into the beautifully tragic fate of counting and neatness that fall upon the talented one.
I for one do not count. I tell you what I do. I repeat and I obsess.
I repeatedly take the same roads home, retell previous conversations to myself, and a number of other unimportant stuff.

I Obsess over walking on a certain color in the street when there are *yuks!* options, checking my emails & facebook, sitting like a chicken hawk beside my mobile waiting on an important call, 
have I breathed a second ago? 
And will Messi’s injury hinder him from breaking the new record before the year elapses?
And I truly can’t stand penalties, it’s like allowing a clod finger to reach out, touch me, and chill a spot in my soul!
And all must be symmetrical
because things like these people, disasters like these drive me crazy!

As much as it’s annoying , this picture gave me a good laugh , who ever wrote this is probably a very smart OCD-ish, cause people with mental illness who still walk and talk and go out to do their jobs everyday pretending that they are normal and fooling the world how dark their inside’s are, 
are super heroes.
Now all the previous things I can live with,
although I fear to repeat some bad experiences 
like how I obsessed over helping a friend in Intermediate school until I drove her away
and how I obsessed over that boy in college and drove him away too
But what I can not handle;
The ugly, nasty, disgusting, disturbing, evil and self destructive thoughts that keep roaring inside my head like a twister and no matter what I do it just won’t stop, the more I kick it the stronger it returns.
And it hurts
Like Hell.
Which takes us to:
Obviously I hate OCD
I hate Anxiety a dozen more

Because man Oh man I’m so tired of being sad, so sad, crying for the silliest reasons, so angry I shake, the constant drawsiness, the nausea and headaches, believing that I’m a stupid loser who isn't worthy of a drop of love. The irrational fears, the panick attacks, wanting to hurt myself, see my blood, the inability to approach people, the jumping from any loud noise, sometimes the fear of leaving the house. The overwhelming feelings that make me rude to others
To top it all
(and the prof that mental illness is very complex and weird)
i.e. Zero feelings.
A weeping Angel?

No better,being kissed by a dementor.
Bless you J.K.Rowling

Because I know how it feels, to never be cheerful again.

Now some days are good
Other days, like these days,
My nights are like this

And my days are, well, like this

and between that and this my life in a nutshell becomes; 

listen to this song and you will get what I mean.

No wonder I can’t stick to deadlines, I can’t show up on time, hesitation plagues my choice making, my memory is so terrible I mix up my prayers, I can't focus on a certain project and  I disappoint so many people, firstly myself. 
I'm hopeful at the beginning, lost in the middle and stressed out in the end of every day, week, month and year
Living and existing inside my own head with its on going vicious cycles 
and it hurts
like Hell it does!

And I had people who said to me 
"Your arrogant!"
and shocked me.

Whatever time a normal person takes to achieve anything no matter how simple, it takes me double.
Don’t tell me to get over it,
News flash

Don't ask me to keep calm

And I'm sorry but the truth is in my head it looks more like this

My poor characters, they are all mentally ill.

But still
I’m going to live
Cause I’m a believer
I know Allah has a plan for me
After all
He made me optimistic to a fault
He also made me terribly stubborn
I don’t want to give up!
I want to really honestly feel alive!
And I tell you right here and now
I A’NT LEAVING THIS EARTH before having my rightful place in history
who else is going to write you all the fantastic books you know ya all want to read?

That’s why the song I found that really represent me  is  also David Archuleta's 
The Other Side of Down 
but never fear
no matter how bleak my life must look like to you
Your Captain
me that is
will always 
care about & love you


  1. As someone who is constantly fighting depression, I thank you for this post, Haneen. Happy IWSG.

    1. So happy to help Joylene and thank you for your comment ^_^